I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
