I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Every concussion has its silver lining
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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