Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
