There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
