2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
In other news, I just burned my penis
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize