it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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