Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
