i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
