lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
