what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
