i don't like sucking hair
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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