I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
