I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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