dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
