Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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