i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
