the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
