God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
