He disabled his match.com account in front of me
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
