things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
