the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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