I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
