I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
