Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
