I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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