I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
