Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
