got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
