Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
