I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
