There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
