This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
