I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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