she woke up with a sticky ear
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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