Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
