Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
