My liver just broke up with me...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize