I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
