My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
