meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
