I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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