how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
