I got chris browned last night
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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