Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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