Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's official drugs can't kill me
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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