why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
