I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
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Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
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If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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