you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
