dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
