You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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