return my video game
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
