people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just had sex bonerless
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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