My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
