Just fell off a train. Bad.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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