I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
